My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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