i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
