I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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