This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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