After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
