He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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