Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize