update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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