Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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