I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
