trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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