i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
