just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
