Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
