If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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