That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
