Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
