I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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