There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
