I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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