last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
