He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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