oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
