If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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