Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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