saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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