So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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