ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
