In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Randomize
