I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I yelled at your uterus for you.
we should paint friendship bongs
why is half of my head shaved?
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