I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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