A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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