I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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