A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
