for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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