If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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