I can tuck mytits in my pants
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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