I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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