you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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