I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
