I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
