I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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