so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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