It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
