Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize