That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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