That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
