I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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