My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
