Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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