The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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