I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
