she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
