He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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