paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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