when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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